I didn't scream in your face. [ The hand on his shoulder is replaced by an arm snaked tentatively around his midsection. The weight of his hand against the back of her knee made her brave, if he felt alright showing, however slightly, that he wanted to be closer to her, it empowered her to reveal the same. ]
I was emphatic, that's all. [ Rey added, almost petulant sounding if not for the unmistakable warmth that her amusement brought to the sound of her voice.
The question about Tython was something of a reprieve from all the jittery uncertainty that came with feeling this particular shade of happiness. Accommodating his hand Rey shifted until her knee was resting against his leg, cozying up to him despite common sense. ] It's supposed to be where the Jedi started, and I know how wrong you think they are, and I agree, at least partially, but some things are useful.
[ If there was any tension blossoming in him Rey chose to ignore it in favor of letting herself settle more fully against his back. ] It stands to reason that if Tython is the source, after a fashion, then there must be knowledge worth having, unfiltered by the ages or by codes and rules, a more pure understanding.
funnily enough i listened to her christmas song this morning
( He snorts but jumps, too - or flinches, one or the other, despite the invitation inherent in his own movements - as she winds one arm around his midsection, as uncertain as to what to do with this blatant display of intimate affection as he had been when she'd reached out to him that first time, as he had been when Han Solo had traced that long, shallow line down one half of his face. Sometimes he wonders if the puckered scar Rey had left behind hadn't been some form of predetermination stitched into him by that moment on the bridge, doused in the red emergency lights from overhead, but it isn't something that he's interested in considering for too long given the present circumstances, so he leaves it there, cutting those memories off like pinching off the open end of a vein.
After a moment wherein she doesn't immediately move away from him, he relaxes, letting go of a long-held tension in his stomach, a small stone dissolving, replaced with a pervasive warmth that feels as threatening as it does familiar, comforting. His fingers curl further underneath her leg where it stretches to accommodate the way she shifts around him, and Kylo can feel the ligaments and tendons moving underneath his fingertips, his palm. It's very distracting, as is the added weight of her leaning into his shoulders, his spine, every vertebrae a lightning rod exposed to the material of her blanket and the electric pulse of her bare skin where said blanket slips with her movement. )
I do think they're wrong. ( For a number of reasons, but right now most of those reasons pale in comparison to how dry his mouth suddenly feels -and how badly it tastes, consequently - and how warm her arm is where it presses against his middle, despite her earlier complaints attributed to growing up on a planet comprised entirely of sand and sun. ) That doesn't mean I don't find the asinine artifacts or manuscripts or information, in general, that they left behind useful to some degree. Everything has an origin, and origins exist for a reason. The problem starts when you begin putting those origins on a pedestal and treat them as gospel.
( He can feel the annoyed expression on his face, years of searching, endlessly hunting for answers, for relics, for something old to build something new on top of burned into his brain like an after image. And so much else tied up with it, a tangled ball of barbed wire and exposed circuits. Ignoring it would be hypocritical, though. As if he isn't trying his best to seek out and find the same things she is, albeit for different reasons. ) Historically, that hasn't exactly worked in the Jedi's favor, as you're probably well aware by now. ( A beat, and he threads the fingers of his free hand through hers where they curl over at his torso. It would be a tentative, unsure motion, if not for the resolute way that he goes about it, as if convincing himself more than anyone else. )
Attachment was forbidden, I'm sure you know. ( Which begs the question - ) I'm not sure what would have been made of this.
( This being - well. This. He knows (now) what happened the last time someone from his family got in over his head, after all. )
[ All she had wanted was this - a conversation - to be able to exchange ideas without the weighty pantomime their shared aggression brought with it. There was no call to be disparaging, or to rebuff him and hastily regain any distance between them she might have lost, there were just two people, speaking in close quarters in civil tones, using their words to map out a terrain that had been rough on them both. ] Have you been to Tython? If there's something there to see and to know, I want to do that. I don't think I'll find all the answers just–
[ Rey trailed off, her head ducking down so that her cheek rest against his back and she could hide her face, frowning as she turned her thoughts over inside her head. ] If there are useful things, I want to know. [ What scavenger could rebuff the lure of something useful? Another tool to use, another method to elevate their survival, another piece of the puzzle that had landed in her lap the moment she had laid a hand on the lightsaber - everything could come in handy. She wasn't expecting to find the way, but she hoped she would find evidence that someone, somewhere had gotten close to whatever 'the way' might have resembled.
The conversation drifting in the direction of attachments pulled her from her thoughts and Rey lifted her head, her chin reassuming its previous perch ] You speak as though anyone knows what to make of this now. [ Rey had not needed to live her life surrounded by other people to know that this wasn't the sort of attachment people found themselves entrenched in every day. Something deep ran between them, something she couldn't quite put down and step away from, even when every sign indicated that she was better off doing exactly that. /small> ]
Come to Tython with me.
and then have a christmast vacation experience immediately following
( Tython, for all its lore and power and speculation wrapped up within its coordinates, isn't a place that he's spent a lengthy amount of time. He knows about the seeing stone there, about what that had meant for Luke Skywalker over a decade ago, what it had brought him, and about the ice caps and temples, the artifacts and archaeological possibilities that could potentially be unearthed. But he hasn't personally stepped on that planet in recent years, preferring to try his luck elsewhere, to follow up on other potential paths, chase down different rumors, different whispers. Different people. Jedi killer. The irony isn't lost even on him. )
I haven't been to Tython in a very long time. ( If he turns his head now, inclines it even slightly toward the lull of her voice, he could lean it against hers. Instead, he keeps his gaze trained forward, though the point of his thumb absentmindedly traces the rough ball of her knuckle in a steadying, methodical rhythm. ) Luke and I went once, not long after I started training with him. ( His tone is flippant, but he doubts that she'll need to rely on the Force to search for the truth behind his brevity. ) Like many of his field trips, we found nothing. Just more questions and open endings.
( It isn't an answer to the implication of her statement, which he supposes he owes her. He still isn't sure how open he's willing to be about what he's doing, though, given everything that's happened. )
[ Not only did she not need the Force to sense the ripple of ire that pulsed out of him at the memory of his uncle, but she also didn't want to press any further. Not just yet. Rey sometimes let herself believe that one day Kylo would give up all the secrets and shadows he hung so desperately onto, and let her in. In moments like this one, it almost seemed like an obtainable goal, though there were other times when thinking this way seemed insane.
Rey was quiet for a long moment, staying close to him as she considered what she was offering, and the way he had yet to address it. ]
I could ask again tomorrow if you have still doubts about me wanting you to come with me.
[ Nothing else was working. Hell, this wasn't even working exactly, but it was doing more than any of the other avenues she pursued. She knew he could feel the way the Force almost settled down the closer they came to one another, just as it had on Felucia. ]
( Her persistence is disarming in a couple of ways, but that doesn't detract from his inability to capitalize on it for reasons beyond his control. Which annoys him: an easy slide when he's already bristled once by the slightest mention of his uncle. It feels familiar to sit in it, at the very least, frustration and annoyance lapping at him like waves on a well-known beach. Easier than allowing himself to enjoy the whatevers of this easy affection, anyway. )
We're in the middle of a war. ( He turns his head so that he can catch her expression out of the corner of his eye, but he adjusts his position so that the threat of brushing her skin with his own is off of the table. ) Or did you forget? ( The weight of her against him is both suffocating and comforting in that moment, a pressure that's too warm but welcome all at once. ) I have obligations beyond answering your call every time you want to take a day trip.
[ How could anyone forget about the war? As much as Rey sometimes wished she had remained on the outskirts of it, now that she had risen to meet the tide of conflict, there was no forgetting it existed. The desire to move around it and look for alternatives to fighting had grown stronger, but there was no real getting past it, at least not with the way things were. ]
Do either of our obligations really take us anywhere? [ Moving away from him Rey caught the blanket and kept it wrapped around herself, shifting so that her legs hung off the side of the bunk and she was sitting beside him instead of being half curled around him. Part of her felt better putting space between them, but a larger, more confusing part of her mind already missed the closeness. ]
( He can relate: with a marginal amount of distance between them, his mind feels a little clearer, his thoughts a little easier to come by. The abrupt chill at his back where her body had acted as a buffer makes him sit a bit taller, his fingers flexing and curling into a fist where it hangs between his splayed knees. His other hand curves over his own thigh, kept resolutely to himself. Like her, a part of him misses the contact almost immediately, but there really is no denying how much easier it is for him to form a coherent thought when she isn't touching him in some way. )
You tell me. ( His tone sharp, Kylo leans slightly away from her so that he can more clearly look at her. ) Unless Leia Organa really does think that your efforts are better spent scouring the galaxy for pieces of a religion that hasn't exactly done her any favors in the last thirty years. ( He wouldn't put it past her, given her insatiable need to maintain control and achieve some semblance of victory at every opportunity. Rey, just another cog in a wheel that has been turning since long before either of them were born, another pawn in a game that has completely gone off the rails. ) Then again, if your obligations were actually getting you nowhere, I think our situation might look a little different.
( They might not be sitting this way, for starters, there and not-there, on two sides of one long line. )
[ He brought up his mother and not for the first time Rey questioned whether or not anything she was doing at that moment was right. There was no place for vulnerability or uncertainty here, but Kylo was nothing if not marvelously good at filling her with both doubt and sureness at the same time. She could feel how much more it could be, even with not so much as the beginnings of a path leading towards it. He had no reason to lean into it and Rey was aware of that, even though some hotly impatient part of her wished that he would. The thought was motivated by selfishness. She wanted answers, she wanted to know why the seemingly endless flurry of her thoughts always circled back to him, no matter the hurt, or the times he had offered her proof that she was unwise for trying to reach for him. ]
You know I'm not your mother, you've made it very obvious that you're angry with us both, but there's no reason to be angry at her, at me. [ Not that she was foolish enough to think he might listen to sentiment as rational as that one. ]
I'm trying to do what I think is right, just like you say you are. I have to begin somewhere, maybe you're right and all I'll find is what others have, but if there's something out there worth sifting through all the failure for, even if it's nothing more than a place I could reach, and I road I might be able to follow. You don't want to do this with me, you don't want to talk, or try to learn, so I'll do it without you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
idk didn't taylor swift sing about it
I was emphatic, that's all. [ Rey added, almost petulant sounding if not for the unmistakable warmth that her amusement brought to the sound of her voice.
The question about Tython was something of a reprieve from all the jittery uncertainty that came with feeling this particular shade of happiness. Accommodating his hand Rey shifted until her knee was resting against his leg, cozying up to him despite common sense. ] It's supposed to be where the Jedi started, and I know how wrong you think they are, and I agree, at least partially, but some things are useful.
[ If there was any tension blossoming in him Rey chose to ignore it in favor of letting herself settle more fully against his back. ] It stands to reason that if Tython is the source, after a fashion, then there must be knowledge worth having, unfiltered by the ages or by codes and rules, a more pure understanding.
funnily enough i listened to her christmas song this morning
After a moment wherein she doesn't immediately move away from him, he relaxes, letting go of a long-held tension in his stomach, a small stone dissolving, replaced with a pervasive warmth that feels as threatening as it does familiar, comforting. His fingers curl further underneath her leg where it stretches to accommodate the way she shifts around him, and Kylo can feel the ligaments and tendons moving underneath his fingertips, his palm. It's very distracting, as is the added weight of her leaning into his shoulders, his spine, every vertebrae a lightning rod exposed to the material of her blanket and the electric pulse of her bare skin where said blanket slips with her movement. )
I do think they're wrong. ( For a number of reasons, but right now most of those reasons pale in comparison to how dry his mouth suddenly feels -and how badly it tastes, consequently - and how warm her arm is where it presses against his middle, despite her earlier complaints attributed to growing up on a planet comprised entirely of sand and sun. ) That doesn't mean I don't find the asinine artifacts or manuscripts or information, in general, that they left behind useful to some degree. Everything has an origin, and origins exist for a reason. The problem starts when you begin putting those origins on a pedestal and treat them as gospel.
( He can feel the annoyed expression on his face, years of searching, endlessly hunting for answers, for relics, for something old to build something new on top of burned into his brain like an after image. And so much else tied up with it, a tangled ball of barbed wire and exposed circuits. Ignoring it would be hypocritical, though. As if he isn't trying his best to seek out and find the same things she is, albeit for different reasons. ) Historically, that hasn't exactly worked in the Jedi's favor, as you're probably well aware by now. ( A beat, and he threads the fingers of his free hand through hers where they curl over at his torso. It would be a tentative, unsure motion, if not for the resolute way that he goes about it, as if convincing himself more than anyone else. )
Attachment was forbidden, I'm sure you know. ( Which begs the question - ) I'm not sure what would have been made of this.
( This being - well. This. He knows (now) what happened the last time someone from his family got in over his head, after all. )
they should go to a life day tree farm.
[ Rey trailed off, her head ducking down so that her cheek rest against his back and she could hide her face, frowning as she turned her thoughts over inside her head. ] If there are useful things, I want to know. [ What scavenger could rebuff the lure of something useful? Another tool to use, another method to elevate their survival, another piece of the puzzle that had landed in her lap the moment she had laid a hand on the lightsaber - everything could come in handy. She wasn't expecting to find the way, but she hoped she would find evidence that someone, somewhere had gotten close to whatever 'the way' might have resembled.
The conversation drifting in the direction of attachments pulled her from her thoughts and Rey lifted her head, her chin reassuming its previous perch ] You speak as though anyone knows what to make of this now. [ Rey had not needed to live her life surrounded by other people to know that this wasn't the sort of attachment people found themselves entrenched in every day. Something deep ran between them, something she couldn't quite put down and step away from, even when every sign indicated that she was better off doing exactly that. /small> ]
Come to Tython with me.
and then have a christmast vacation experience immediately following
I haven't been to Tython in a very long time. ( If he turns his head now, inclines it even slightly toward the lull of her voice, he could lean it against hers. Instead, he keeps his gaze trained forward, though the point of his thumb absentmindedly traces the rough ball of her knuckle in a steadying, methodical rhythm. ) Luke and I went once, not long after I started training with him. ( His tone is flippant, but he doubts that she'll need to rely on the Force to search for the truth behind his brevity. ) Like many of his field trips, we found nothing. Just more questions and open endings.
( It isn't an answer to the implication of her statement, which he supposes he owes her. He still isn't sure how open he's willing to be about what he's doing, though, given everything that's happened. )
ben but in antlers.
Rey was quiet for a long moment, staying close to him as she considered what she was offering, and the way he had yet to address it. ]
I could ask again tomorrow if you have still doubts about me wanting you to come with me.
[ Nothing else was working. Hell, this wasn't even working exactly, but it was doing more than any of the other avenues she pursued. She knew he could feel the way the Force almost settled down the closer they came to one another, just as it had on Felucia. ]
the chanel antlers
We're in the middle of a war. ( He turns his head so that he can catch her expression out of the corner of his eye, but he adjusts his position so that the threat of brushing her skin with his own is off of the table. ) Or did you forget? ( The weight of her against him is both suffocating and comforting in that moment, a pressure that's too warm but welcome all at once. ) I have obligations beyond answering your call every time you want to take a day trip.
only the most elegant choice
Do either of our obligations really take us anywhere? [ Moving away from him Rey caught the blanket and kept it wrapped around herself, shifting so that her legs hung off the side of the bunk and she was sitting beside him instead of being half curled around him. Part of her felt better putting space between them, but a larger, more confusing part of her mind already missed the closeness. ]
like his uncle before him
You tell me. ( His tone sharp, Kylo leans slightly away from her so that he can more clearly look at her. ) Unless Leia Organa really does think that your efforts are better spent scouring the galaxy for pieces of a religion that hasn't exactly done her any favors in the last thirty years. ( He wouldn't put it past her, given her insatiable need to maintain control and achieve some semblance of victory at every opportunity. Rey, just another cog in a wheel that has been turning since long before either of them were born, another pawn in a game that has completely gone off the rails. ) Then again, if your obligations were actually getting you nowhere, I think our situation might look a little different.
( They might not be sitting this way, for starters, there and not-there, on two sides of one long line. )
i'm the worst i know
You know I'm not your mother, you've made it very obvious that you're angry with us both, but there's no reason to be angry at her, at me. [ Not that she was foolish enough to think he might listen to sentiment as rational as that one. ]
I'm trying to do what I think is right, just like you say you are. I have to begin somewhere, maybe you're right and all I'll find is what others have, but if there's something out there worth sifting through all the failure for, even if it's nothing more than a place I could reach, and I road I might be able to follow. You don't want to do this with me, you don't want to talk, or try to learn, so I'll do it without you.